5:43-5:53

Forever isn't long enough. And when I say fuck the stress I really mean fuck the stress. That is a quote. directly. and i mean it. especially the fuck part. yes, the fuck part more than the 'the' or 'stress' part. whatever that means-- void words smart ass. its hyper, its meta. Meta iS MY FAVORITE. But you know all i got right now? anger. anger. and a dash of rage! no really, i don't know wh.....blah blah blah. i just want to bang my fingers into this keyboard, i just want to run into things when i walk. i just want to push stuff around and let heavy objects drop out of my hands and say fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck! its funny, being this angry but not feeling like i want to take it out on any body, but i would like to take it out on the world in general. which should maybe inform my war/peace philosophy at a time when i have the tolerance to think about those things. but right now all i want to do it bang. so whats up now?! oh, i also want to be hyper critical. okay, so here is some interpersonal knowledge i gleaned this morning after i had a dream about a large burning coal/ small asteroid landing across the street but before i had written about i was laying in bed thinking. okay. this is really mental and really me mental so
lets see about the extraction. yes, maybe closing one eye and squinting does help. okay, so i was lying there, and i thought "i hate you." Now, in this instance the i and the you are both me. and what i was thinking was how it was a shame that i lost the habit of having a mind trained to think about myself only in first person. often times, i think (or had thought and do now again) of myself as you. so that when i am thinking about myself i say you. and then about two years ago i started thinking a lot of "you" in reference to me and it got really confusing. and i felt like it was linked to projection or getting myself confused with other people. not that we aren't alike, but lets be honest, the last thing you need is some (other) nagging bitch telling you who you are or what you should be doing or, and etc. and its really no good for me either all this you in place of me. Soo, I switched some mental blocks around and voila (i hate the way that word is spelled. i would prefer woalla. or really anything less french. whatever. i'm sure ill get over it. in fact, i already did.) and voila! presto! when attaching words to the feelings i was having about myself i only used the first person. yes. so proud. i don't know how long it lasted but i do know that when i woke up and thought "i hate you" this morning that it was the pronoun usage that bothered me more than the message of intrapersonal contempt. so, like any proactive girl would, i switched the pronoun. only I hate I wasn't right. I hate me was wrong too. So, as it turns out 1) you cant just switch pronouns around even when its all in your head and 2) I don't hate me or I, just you, self which i have extricated myself from.

pps. the title of this blog represents a mistruth. thi was actually more like 25 mintues of my time. things change