11:48-11:58

so whatever. so. so. so. i awoke this morning full of the energy of destruction. yes. like anger + whatever it is that makes me want to destroy things, particularly myself. but others too, its just i feel worse for inflicting pain on others than i do on myself. wait, no maybe i take that back. sometimes i don't care about the pain i inflict on you. and then fuck. its like an engine not turning over, my attempts to make my life constructive. its makes a noise when you turn the key, but it doesn't start. lame. frustrated. maybe. yes. awe. the correct attachment of a word to a feeling. yes, i awoke this morning feeling frustrated. this caused me to go blank. city plans? umm. don't know. maybe really i should just hang out around here and do some life organizing, whatever that means, do my laundry is really what that means, and get ready for my work week to start back tomorrow. exponential. the learning is exponential. coccyx the way i sit when i write this is making my coccyx hurt. aw, man you guys. i mean, the only thing that i can sometimes hold onto is that i f i didn't care, if i wasn't stressed, well, that's all i really got going sometimes, you know, like, if i didn't give a fuck about creating my life to be what i want it to be, then i would never have any hope of getting there. i mean, you could tell me to be here now and that would be cool if in the telling it inspired me to do it. but it might just make me angry. i mean, because sometimes that message is so, so, well, yes again frustrating. oh. the. frustration. sarcasm. its like sitting at the line before the race. nothing moves until boom, there is goes. that idea is unrelated. or i will not relate how the two are related. but, maybe some prayer. maybe some prayer. hmmmmmmmm. a quick little effective communication with the big energy? well. this prayer starts, "fuck you. (big energy knows better than to take offense at this). thank you (big energy always takes genuine thanks)." well. i don't really feel better. but maybe i will try this prayer all day. "fuck you thank you" fuck you and thanks for the chance to express myself. ew. i don't like it anymore. it was only effective the first time. the second time i had to think more about fuck you and what that might mean to people and how strong of an act it is to say to someone. oh. that's where i got all fucked up. i imagined using this prayer on people. no no. this is no mantra like this. this is just for between me and the universe. yes. that's more relaxing.