just what the doctor ordered, i give you this day my daily lament.

i love the task that is necessary and impossible.
the time is 4:42. i have to write that down so i wont forget it.

Umm, i dunno. but it is true that i skipped morning pages this morning and yesterday too, so i am doublely behind but if you average in the pages i wrote on Tuesday, then it about comes out even. i miss my computer. its true. i am glad to have mac's, but i miss mine. hard drive troubles. its in the shop. i am supposed to be applying for a job, which is to say the place that i should be in is not here, it is in the land of job application, but there are so many hurdles to get through, personal ones, battles for maintaining self esteem in the face of rejection. i mean, i guess that is the case all the time, but its a lot more worrisome when im in the market for a job. i mean, constantly having to prove yourself to strangesrs who are inundated with applicants all trying to prove their righteousness for the position. or, really, more likely, all desperately trying to prove that 'with skills like these, i am not suited for unemployment."

slippery slopes. i think im going to go to city lights tonight to hear a lecture. on the amazon and plants and stuff. its to fulfill my "cultural connection" requirement and of course, I was excited to go this morning but the nearer the hour comes to departure, the more i think differently. i mean, why leave when my apartment is so present? because it will be good for me i guess. good for me too good for me good for me good for me. yum, smells in the apartment building. dinners cooking somewhere in the city.

a topic thats troubling me: well, aside from my uncanny ability to pick anything apart into worthless, crappy, devoid of value pieces, is the desire to be a good one. and well, now that i have written it it doesn't sound like a bad thing. i mean, if i am going to be something, i might as well be a good one. yea duh. but what i am troubled by is when the mandate to be a good one ( a good fisher, a good bum, a good student, a good drunk, a good sleeper, whatever) gets in my way of enjoying being a fisher, bum, student, drunk, sleeper, whatever.

also, its quite true that there is a small line, a tight rope, a slippery slope, between being magnificent and having magnificent expectations. i mean, no worry about being good enough is ever gonna make me good, until it drives me crazy enough to examine why the worry about being good and hopefully some alternative option appears. of course, at the root of such worry is the inescapable fear of inadequacy, a fear basic to humanity. and really, its not so much of a fear as a reality i am scared to face. because its quite true that lifetimes are spent raging against inadequacy, putting together schemes and skill sets to be who our minds convince us it would be easy to be if we could only do right. i really struggle to have my life and my expectations meet. i dont know why (have i written this here before? its a common theme..) i find expectations to be so necessary, but let me think about it for a minute. okay, some expectations are necessary. i expect I'll need to eat dinner. so a trip to the grocery is in order. i expect it to be sunny with a slight chill in the air. if i thought it was going to be hot, I'd be cold on the walk and then uncomfortable. i might say that i expect I'll have to pay for the food, but that is less of an expectation and more of a given, right? expectation deals with some kind of unknown about the future.
pause for the dictionary.
whatever, the point is, don't let the expectation get you down. me down.