6:23

Its a dragging shoe. dragging tennis shoe across medium gravel. reluctant. negative, heavy, dead weight. its not energized, but its not pulling back. reluctant, hesitant, dragging, but all going on. reluctantancy implies everything but that you did it. its a set up. its over.
when lacking, i turn to temperature, to weather. when lacking, i turn to myself. i ask myself. there are some things i cannot give myself. or is that that i am the only one who can give myself anything.
i have a thought pattern i have been keenly aware of that goes something like. Its right. Its wrong. Its right and wrong. all things in balance, including balance. which really means nothing at all, though it is a common little dance i do. funny, i didnt realize just how unconscious that was until i tried to articulate it. nobody ever says 'somethings in balance' because its clear that everything in balance is the way to go. balance balance with chaos? yes. i think in this setting chaos a good extreme for balance. its certainly more palatable than imbalance. eww. what a filthy word. imbalance. dont even think the words! but chaos! chaos is dark and dizzying and rich and exhausting. and sure, imbalance, but in chaos balance means nothing.
freezing. i am fucking freezing. what is it with the chill in the winter? what is it with a chill that only bed or shower can take away? its on the inside. its being cold on the inside and its not dictated by temperature of the environment. it think it is about blood flow. and presence in the body.