omg. omg. omg.

Maybe all I need is a shot in the arm, something in my veins bloodier than blood.

This was my shower refrain this morning because I am, I was, feeling left out of the mania that is sweeping the land. but maybe it was just slow coming because I am feeling a rise coming on. i mean, there is this life transition thing I am doing where I am getting a job and moving into the city and stuff like that and well, you know, I dont know, there are a lot of things about that that I cant even think about because they drive me so nutso. but now that I am awake. maybe I dont want to sleep now because I dont like it. I hate to wake up. I dont want to go to sleep because the waking up is inevitable and miserable and most always, though less now than before, some existential battle for my self confidence or happiness and you know, thats why maybe all i need is a shot in the arm. they key, i feel like, for me, maybe distraction. dont pay attention to what is going on. dont look. but I damn well better get somewhere. I guess there isnt anywhere to be but here, though, and here I am until I am somewhere else. I am feeling saddened in this numb, ugly depressed way because twice yesterday, the first day of period and a prime time to be emotionally expressive, I was struck by the emotional lightening of tears twice, but failed either time to allow them to flow. First, on the playground of an elementary school, waiting in line to vote, watching these kids throw balls, listening to emmylou harris All that you Have is Your soul. but it was too public and I couldnt cry there. dont make me think about the ridiculous reasons why i couldnt. then yesterday, when at last finally hearing that my dream boat job sailed without me on the crew, I wanted to cry out of rejection and just out of feeling the pressure of being human, of being me, of being unemployed with bills to pay. but you know, i am kind of over that but what I am not over is that I would not let myself cry and I guess there is some stoic value in this and I allow myself to recognize that but I like to cry. I just dont like to do it in front of other people for reasons that are either quickly intellectually invalidated or you know, would make me people look at me. draw attention to myself. I miss you. okay. I miss you. some back. please come back. c razy. come back crazy. no. i mean, i miss you in me. no. i mean, you know, I just mean there is love.