I had this dream last night that my grandfather was after me and my family. he was trying to take our house, or put us in jail, or control us. it was scary. he died in march and i don't know that i have had a dream about him, but last night i did. i never say him. he was always on the other side of a wall. and its silly really for me to get too worried about it because its only money but money is important... or money is something... or money is a power source. and would he condone my spending habits of late? i don't know. i don't think so. i know that when we went on a trip together he saw something in me that scared him. and i don't know if it was, i pray it wasn't, a similarity to my 'fuck up' uncle. because that would just be, well, that is wrong on so many levels. no, it was something i cannot understand because I am not my own grandpa. and god. fuck. if that death isn't a line straight into my core of vulnerability or sadness or something. but i'll go with it. i'll follow it until its something else. i don't need to act like anything. i just need to be myself and fall though the doors of being myself and be okay with that and practice that and yes, its okay. yes, I'm okay. i had a fucking wacky day. went out to west marin to do some work and then stopped by to get some food on the way out, which i shoved quickly in my face in the car, then smoked a cigarette and felt just absolutely nutso. a sensation akin to dizziness, the pressure in my ears went all wacky. i don't know. i felt crazy. it felt like a physiological based psychological issue. it was really uncomfortable but not all together bad. like some veil lifting or being in some other world. but it was not a world where driving seemed like a bad idea and i came excruciatingly close to to having a wreck on 101. and then i parked my car. in a spot that i hope is okay. its a little over this white line, but give me a fucking break san fanscisco, okay? please. i ask you. don't ticket me. it was most important i stop driving, though i was feeling better by the time i parked the car. and then still, all night, feeling weird and uncomfortable or off or here or there and yes moving confidently with breaks for trepidation.