if-ing you wanna, 11:11

whoa, i just wasted ten minutes. which really is just a drop in the bucket, but its funny the hedging, is that what its called, no. its not hedging. hedging if for gambling, bets. nope, no, I looked it up, I was right, partially. I mean hedging like I was hanging out beside the hedge. I was hedging, that is being as the bushes and shrubs that come together to form a border. Hedging. Look it up, make it up.

Yes, ten minutes really is just a drop in the bucket of time, and by waste I mean did not finish production of anything. I didnt make anything. I typed and backspaced and was saying something about having a job, or about being on the edge of starting this new job life thing and how I felt about it but all I was really doing was hitting some keys, then backspacing, a few more keys, a few more backstrokes. Its not like I wasnt saying anything, I had left some lines typed, but it was weird. Unlike this refined and elegant distillation of the thoughts that run through my head, it was just crap. And do you know why it was crap? Because I thought that genius was going to come pouring out of my fingertips. Seemingly edited but shockingly unedited, enjoyable, true, genius right from these very hands. Such expectation can only lead to this.

Its like I want to believe that everything has changed now because I have a job, which in effect, will change the way I live my life everyday, my sleeping schedule, my inputs, my outputs. Its like now I want to believe that I am on a train, nee, The Train. not the train that's bound for glory, sure, yes, all aboard i been traveling aboard that one, thank you jesus, but aint nothing new choochoo. The Train, is the one that takes me to the place where Everything Is Different in a Better Kind of Way. The Train leaves at the intersection of ego and good intention and goes the fast track to Heaven Is A Place On Earth.

Its only a state of mind, not really a geographical place anymore than The Train is a actual locomotive.

So, anyway, this is a leave-my-troubles-behind Train, and not just for the evening, but forever. The only damn trouble with The Train, is that the conductor is a fucking loon, and never gets the damn thing to the destination. So, cleverly, cutely, charmingly I may pack my perfect bag and feel so pleased as I step on board, wave to the imaginary crowd (The Train leaves no one) and All aboard, chugga chugga, this Train is, this train is going nowhere. Goddamn Train! Tricked me again! Everytime I move or travel or do something big with my life, I meet you, The Train, at the station, bags packed, unfailingly pleased with myself, ready to go. But the message is always the same, Departure Delayed Indefinitely, Reason: Destination Location appears blurry. Then I have to hope I'm not too late for my regular train, it thank god, runs like clock work, and takes me places both literally and metaphorically, all its locations falling, reassuringly if belaboringly, squarely within the limits of Reality Is A Place On Earth.