shooting blanks

shooting blanks. backspacing and back peddling and forward moving. white sands/ sinking murky bottom. if the time would just pass. if the end was yesterday. if the throbbing. if. then. if. then. if. then. its in the creation. the power is in the creation. of nothing really, nothing including itself. happy to see you. hoppy to beat you. scared to express you. a mess till I test you. a rest for the next you. i should have noted the time. i am doing this only to erase the funk that engulfed me. all cherry until a misstep. how could i be better prepared to handle missteps? a question i want to have answered. a question i roll my eyes at. get over yourself. handing. shipping and handling. i am going to jackson next week. i am a little worried that it might be the beginning of the apocalypse, but also expect it to be a fine trip. i wouldn't say that. no i wouldn't say that. that is something form my ipod, but its just that one bit, i cant name the rest. i can hardly reach the tune, can only hear it reverberating from being piped into my ears. you know, its not like i mind suffering, i just mind thinking that it is for something and alternately thinking that it is for nothing. like there has to be some value to it, and the value i want it to have, is of course, end of suffering. but no. no it wont be had. hand it over so many things to not be had. you know what my culture has done a shitty job with? handling sorrow/ depression/ sadness/ tears. i just mean that as a culture, the one that acculturates me wants to suffocate my heartache. but i dont want it. i dont want placation and i dont want any encouragement. i just want to be told i am right. yes, right, life is shitty. not entirely, not singularly, but yes. that is all i want. no. no its not. its not all i want at all. but it is what i want when i am upset, usually, just validation. i am so crazy right now-- at this point in my life. i mean, not externally, but internally, yes. entirely ape shit. and what is even most especially bizarre about it is no one even knows. no body knows but me. this is certainly always and forever true, that no matter what the situation or relationship that there is never knowledge of another's head workings, but only when you are a long term loner do you really develop an awareness of that, of your own internal knocking arounds, and there is no witness. no eye witness.