its all about me

duck and cover. that's my most likely reaction to harm. duck and cover. That is what just popped into my head, but what I was thinking about earlier today was loneliness and how I am lonely and the shame associated with being lonely. and what lonely is about, and what its relationship to other people are, and "Do you want to be alone forever together?" I know, all this is located in a weird space-- like somewhere between 'deep thoughts' and 'who the hell cares!?'-- and I don't know why I was even thinking about this alone. lonely, together, forever. Well, do I? Kind of, I think I was thinking about the past year as a mostly loner, and what I just came up with is that yes, I was desperately lonely for chucks of that time period (and who could claim they weren't?) but more than that I was alone. And I guess that is what I am most tired of. The being alone. Which is not how I usually look at it, but it does offer explanation for my interest in moving into a large city chock full of people.
Item 2:
a status report.
Kat want to be better.
This is true of me every moment of everyday. Okay, a reprieve, genuinely, umm, maybe like 2 times a week, okay, in another light, maybe two moments a day. I can give myself that. I am okay with not being better for two moments a day. whew! that's damn near perfection. really. i mean, if twice everyday I an feel like everything is okay. Am I lying? Do I feel that way really? I mean, okay, I am going to say 1.5 times a day. and this genuine feeling of that things are okay for 1-5 seconds a day, this is what I have come to learn is a reasonable expectation in my life.
peace out.