10:11-10:21

this morning the question on my mind is am i cynical, he is kin. this is part of a secret message i decoded. i mean, we are all family, right? blay blah blah. back to work today. last night wrote cover letter for new job. blab blah bablh i am so great. lets work together. skills skills skills look the other way about a few things forget to ask me about some things, but no really, i know this could work out great. it might not look as good but its easy to use and its great. organizational systems. it works. i work. you work. moving to the city. i don't know why except that i just want to, or feel like i want to or think i want to but i might be miserable but ill bet too busy to notice there, that is kinda the idea. and i will walk a lot. i will have to get some new shoes. i can go shopping and go out to eat and all the things that are really important in life. early morning desperation think quick put it together. heard. sherd. bird. word. heard. circles loops disconnect connect. find me found you eyes. its true that i don't know you. and its true that you don't know me. the best part about writing this way? writing stuff that isn't true. ha ha ha ha. no rules. a land of freedom. except for the words I wont write because i cant bear to for myself, its really quite few, and the ones i wont write for you to read, its really quite a few more, but maybe i will loosen up. you know, maybe i'll have a bloody mary one morning while i do this and tell you all the good stuff. maybe you would be surprised at how long ten minutes is, i mean, when you are just sitting there, here, writing. when what you want to do is get up and pick some blackberries and go and eat breakfast and make some coffee even though you have sworn off of it and dreamed about it. i dreamed about watching a stage show in church and then going to sleep and falling falling consciously aware ans worried that i might be falling off the bed. i dreamed about being on a ship, a big ferry fighter ship and being so tired so tired so tired i couldn't stand up or keep my balance and was afraid that i was going to fall into the machinery and how come no one else was getting knocked around like me i was just impossibly tired. this is bad posture for writing because it makes my hands hurt, or my fore arms or something its a strain. kid noises. i hear kid noises where i work and they annoy me. what do they want. they are loud. those kids. head shake.